Forget giving what you can spare, can you give what you love?
Sacrificing wants for another’s needs may help us find true happiness.
I was lying in bed this morning, thinking about the world still being so dark. This year that passed has accentuated the feelings of fear and despair that we have all been feeling. As humans, we have overcome so many years of getting it wrong, and yet, we still have not been able to get it right. Slavery, apartheid, the holocaust, casteism, racism — we just do not seem to be able to figure it out. Despite the wealth of knowledge and understanding we have had access to, how do we not have more compassion? Why is compassion and contribution not the focus of our parenting approaches?
Contribution is one aspect where bringing happiness to others influences our own happiness. It is a pillar of humanitarianism and a culmination of a sense of empathy, one of the key leadership skills. Various studies have found that children have an evident propensity for empathy. Therefore, we can teach our children to contribute to purposes other than their own from a young age.
Creating a connection between our children and the world around them.
In my school, we ran an entrepreneurship idea around the novel Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Children would create, market and sell their own brand of chocolates. From the proceeds, they would discuss over whom or where the profit should go and debate about aiding causes like animal or child welfare. This helped create a link between purpose and contribution.
Studies show that the more philanthropy is integrated into a child or adult’s interests, the more it tends to stick. In her research study, Lara Aknin demonstrated that kids looked happier when giving away their own Goldfish than when they could take Goldfish from another pot and give those away instead. Her demonstration suggested that giving might be especially rewarding when it involves some sense of sacrifice.
As parents, we can help create links between purpose, meaning, giving and contributing. For example, if our children are interested in sports, then maybe we do a drive around sporting equipment. If they are keen artists, they could create and sell art to buy art material for children who need it. When children work with something that has greater personal meaning, they feel more committed to the cause and intrinsically motivated. The desire to contribute becomes a part of their identities.
A significant finding is that adults derive greater happiness from their generosity — and thus are more motivated to give again — if they can see and feel the impact it has on others. In the same way, children derive happiness when they make tangible connections between their actions and their positive impacts. If you give children money and they donate the money, there is no meaning for them although there may be one to you. So, we need to guide children to either earn money and then donate it or donate their effort through volunteering.
How can we encourage our children to contribute?
Allan Luks, author of The Healing Power of Doing Good, talked about the importance of giving and volunteering. He states the easiest way to teach children to contribute is to join a cause as a family. The Corporation for National and Community Service reports that children with at least one parent who volunteers are almost three times as likely to participate in a do-good activity as those whose families don’t get involved. It does not have to be big tasks, even a family habit like not littering and picking up trash can make a difference. Acts like smiling and saying something nice to others is also a way of giving, and it can be infectious.
The goal is to make the process of giving a natural part of our children’s lives. When being generous feels personal and gratifying for everyone in the household, children are more likely to grow into kind, charitable, and giving adults.
Studies have also shown that children who learn to give and to volunteer do better in school and are also less likely to do drugs. These children develop a sense of self-worth by knowing that their actions matter. Furthermore, doing good doesn’t just help others. It boosts your child’s confidence, happiness, and health. It shows them that they can have a positive effect on the world. As parents, we can help our children contribute to the world around them by giving them positive praise when we see them share.
Start by initiating a conversation on contribution
We know children usually want to help; they just don’t know how they can make a difference. So, we can start by having conversations with our children. Talk to them about the ways that they would want to give back; find activities that are aligned with their interests.
Sharing stories about our past, especially those involving times when you were charitable or participated in fundraising events as a youngster, help encourage children to be empathetic and kind. I tell my son the story of how a stranger in a cafe, who sent me a piece of cake, made me feel beautiful and confident. That moment was a major pivot in my life; it inspired me to do good for others, especially when it did not have an immediate benefit for myself.
The most important things in life have little to do with money and wealth, instead, they often concern relationships with other people and aspects that promote meaning and purpose in life. This is one lesson that we need to teach our children. The definition of a successful life must change to include contribution. It will help build strong families, communities and businesses, and create a beautiful world.
