Helping Our Children Build Positive Inner Monologues

Mary Morrissey, an inspirational speaker, said: “Doubts are like little worms that kind of worm their way in our minds.” These ‘little worms’ can consume our thoughts and control our actions and perceptions. From an evolutionary perspective our brains are wired for fear and these thought worms feed and influence us and make us veer to fear. We then choose to stay safe and this undercuts our potential to do more, and to be more. It does not have to be so, and we can teach ourselves and our children to be aware of this and to choose their thoughts wisely. We can choose our thoughts and create a positive inner monologue and teach our children to do this. The younger we begin this practice with our children, the better. This then becomes an important tool our teens will use as the teen brain is especially sensitive to stress.

So, how can we help children develop a positive inner monologue?

We can start small. Helping children develop a positive self-image can be a step towards developing a positive inner monologue. Many children, especially teens, have issues accepting themselves. Everything, which includes their height, weight, hair colour, hair length, spectacles, dental braces, clothes, etc., can become a part of their ‘insecure’ self-image. Furthermore, there are complex psychological challenges that are influenced by the lack of confidence in one’s self-image. However, a positive mind and attitude will help children handle themselves.

I remember my 3-year-old niece, Anokhi, once telling me as she cried into her bowl of cornflakes, “Lina aunty, my brain just told me that I am stupid.” This is the power of the human brain. We are the only species known to think about our thinking, known as meta-cognition. A child’s inner monologue isn’t just born, it is created from what they hear from other people. Children absorb and internalize words, feelings, actions, and beliefs from the people around them. When kids hear good words, words of praise, and encouragement, they learn to respect themselves and praise the efforts of others too. If you criticize them over and over again, they feel ashamed of themselves. Kids will not be able to say anything positive about themselves unless they hear it from us first; encouragement, in every form, goes a long way in creating a positive attitude.

In what ways should we encourage children?

Support, especially emotionally, is also an important form of encouragement. It is necessary for us, as parents, to be empathetic as children navigate difficult social and emotional situations, such as changing friendships and romantic relationships.

Teenage brains are designed to experience heightened emotions, so every challenging experience will seem much more intense at this time. We need to help them deal with their feelings and help them process to their emotions instead of repressing them. When done in a non-judgemental way, acknowledgement helps children believe that their emotions and feelings are normal, and this contributes towards building a positive dialogue.

Additionally, children should recognize that their body is their own and they need to love and accept it before they want the world to accept it. Parents can help influence a positive body image through encouraging words and advice that promotes acceptance and by role modelling. A parent who has an unhealthy body image and shows this through actions such as cosmetic surgery and obsession will have a child who develops poor body image.

How can we promote a positive mindset?

It can help to teach children to be mindful of the words they use, their actions, how they behave, and how they expect others to behave. Children need to know that they can change thoughts and images in their minds by changing the story they tell themselves. Of course, we can also influence this story through what we tell them. So, telling your children that you love them and are pleased with their good deeds can reinforce good behaviour as well as a positive mindset.

However, it’s not an easy job to keep your child motivated to think positively. Children have so many voices in their heads that tell them different and contrasting things. As parents, we should be able to teach them to look out for what messages their mind is sending them and how they can control it. Perhaps, by teaching them to visualize their minds as a garden, we can help them understand that every thought is a seed and each seed can be a weed or a beautiful flower. Doing so can encourage children to be mindful of the thoughts they allow to grow.

Are all positive words good?

Parents, as well, should be careful about what they say and how they react. Carol Dweck, a professor of social psychology at Stanford University, researched why some children are more willing (and able) to learn from their mistakes. She conducted a study on 400 fifth-graders, in which half were randomly praised as being ‘smart’ for doing well in a test while the other half were praised for their effort. They then gave the entire batch two tasks to choose from:

1. An easy task that they would learn little from but do well in.
2. A more challenging task that might be more interesting but induce more mistakes.

The majority of those praised for being ‘smart’ chose the simple task, while 90% of those commended for ‘trying hard’ selected the more difficult one. The inference being that children should not fear to make mistakes. Children must be taught to cultivate a more constructive frame of mind about the inevitable failure that accompanies learning. And although this is primarily brought about with a positive inner monologue, it starts with using the right words of encouragement. We must realize what we are encouraging, whether it is constructive or restrictive.

What should parents do?

A viable practice to enable the development of a positive inner monologue in children is ‘thinking out loud’. Creating a safe environment where children can communicate and express their feelings can make a major difference in addressing negative thoughts, which are signs that the child needs your help. That is when children need support, to address emotions and change how they describe circumstances. Shifting the focus to positive outcomes and ‘silver linings can help children overcome negative thoughts.

Additionally, our reactions to negative outcomes can influence negative thoughts. Therefore, we should be mindful of our reactions. More often than not, our reactions speak louder than our words; the importance we give to negative outcomes is what determines how much our children beat themselves over it. So, by reacting positively, we create the opportunity for positive thinking.

That little voice in our head has the power to change so much and we have the power to change that little voice in our children’s heads. Every word of encouragement that we offer our children helps shift the focus towards creating a positive inner monologue. Ultimately, by promoting the development of constructive thoughts through encouragement, we enable our children to achieve meaningful success and higher potentials.