The importance of helping children understand the joy of giving

It can help them feel less anxious and depressed

The human mind is a powerful entity whose many mysteries are yet to be discovered. Though, as intricate and mystifying as it may be, the aspect it craves is rather simple. As humans, almost all of us follow the common objective of seeking happiness. Yet, why is it that we find it so hard to meet this objective?

Anthony Robbins, an author and motivational speaker, suggests that the answer to finding happiness lies in fulfilling the six core needs that are fundamental to every human being, one of which is contribution­ — the need to help, support and serve others.

There is a reason why the rates of worldwide depression are increasing despite an increase in individual prosperity; especially why the rich, powerful and famous are not always happy. In only serving ourselves, we do not satiate our desire to have and be enough. A new car, a new house, or a new watch will bring pleasure, but it is fleeting. However, by contributing to others, we feed our need for significance and growth. When we do what we do, and can see that it has a positive impact on others, it brings a sense of joy that is deeper and more grounding than pleasure.

What do research studies have to say about it?

Moll and Jordan Grafman, neuroscientists at the National Institute of Health, scanned the brains of volunteers who were asked to think about a scenario involving either donating a sum of money to charity or keeping it for themselves. What they looked to examine was where in the brain the impulse to give originates so that they could understand why it feels so good to help others. The study asked people to make donations to charities and looked at the resulting brain activity using an MRI. The results demonstrated that when the volunteers placed the interests of others before their own, their generosity activated a primitive part of the brain that usually lights up in response to food or sex.

The idea of altruism acting akin to a miracle drug has been around for at least two decades. The euphoric feeling we experience when we help others is what researchers call a ‘helper’s high’, a term first introduced by wellness expert Allan Luks to illustrate the powerful physical sensation associated with helping others. Luks looked at the physical effects of ‘giving’, as experienced by more than 1,700 women who volunteered regularly. The studies demonstrated that a full 50 per cent of helpers reported feeling ‘high’ when they helped others, while another 43 per cent felt stronger and more energetic.

Additionally, various research studies have found that when people are forced to do something kind for others, or even subtly coerced to do it through an external reward, they will see themselves as less altruistic and thus feel less motivated to help others in the long run. Studies by Netta Weinstein and Richard Ryan, among others, have found that people feel happier after performing kind, helpful, or ‘prosocial’ acts only when those acts are voluntary and self-directed. When they feel pressured to help, they do not feel happy.

Alfred Adler, an early 20th-century psychologist, believed that good mental health is a consequence of our social interest — a concern for our fellow human beings. Even in the book, Ikigai, it is explained that when you find a purpose that involves contribution, it leads to a longer and healthier life. People who are generous and thoughtful of others are less anxious, less depressed, and feel more connected with their community.

How is this research relevant to parenting?

So, essentially, by teaching our children the joy of giving, not just receiving, we show them how to be mentally healthy and how to live well with others. However, like most things, children learn by what they see you do, not by what you say. In my case, my son has watched me keep glucose biscuit packs in the car and hand them out whenever someone comes to the window. I have raised my son to understand the value of gifts and always share them.

I elaborated on how giving a gift is not about going to the local store and throwing stuff in a basket. It is about thinking hard over what the receiver might like and matching a gift to his or her interests and tastes. It is important to show our children that the amount of money spent is nowhere near as important as the amount of thought we put into it.

We can instil this idea through different means with children of different ages.

We can begin small with young children with acts such as making cookies for a sick friend. Even when children are young, I advocate that a parent should not give money for the child to buy a gift for the other parent like on birthdays and anniversaries. Instead, a child can give a ‘time voucher’ that a parent can use in exchange for a massage, help, or breakfast in bed. Young children can be taught to gift their talents. My father still has all the artwork that my son gifted him as a young child.

With older children, a great idea is to excite them about putting 10% of their pocket money to contribute to the lives of others. We can also encourage them to start entrepreneurial ventures — simple things like candle making, cookie baking, or stationary making to things like tutoring younger children or using a skill or talent to earn revenue. In an ideal world, even pocket money should be earned so that children develop entrepreneurial skills and understand the value of labour and money.

In teaching children to give and contribute, it is important to remember that what we are doing is setting them up for a better life. Doing good will boost a child’s confidence and positively impact his health and happiness. Ultimately, the act of contribution or giving will also help our children achieve their desire to be happy and lead a fulfilled life.